is this just a mere desire?

I miss my life in MSU. It was where i finally decided to change ways and accept that I am a lady, that I am a woman, and that I will always be a female even if i would insist my musculinity. It was where I have accepted my weaknesses and limitations as a person. And, I have learned to profit from it to move forward.
Even then, I am still undecided whether to go back or not. by going back, i mean, staying their for quite longer, i mean, teaching. Although I have not applied yet and i am not so sure of being hired, the idea of being seriously considered by the department brought me to the idea of pushing my brain's perpetual decision-making cells to decide fast and to do some action.
So much needs to be considered. So much needs to be prayed. Calm down koko.
A calling is a calling. If I am really called to work for something and i know that i am called for it and I do it, then the work becomes a ministry. Opportunities must not move me fast to act directly on it but must drive me fast down to my knees. I don't like job hopping and I thank God that i never did. One truth about me is that, i easily get bored, that is why I need to deliberately consider things or simply ask myself, "will i get bored in the academe?"
after acting upon my idealism through the Institute of Environmental Science for Social Change (ESSC), i was discouraged by the mindsets of todays' prime movers. I thought I could somehow inspire (i dont wanna use "influence" because it's too attached to "power") them through the many trainings and planning i handled. I thought I could help deconstruct their old paradigms. HHmmm.. a little bit, I did, but they're sap already in the system. Of course, I dont want to give up and i dont want to give in to their system, so I thought of leaving ESSC (after 3 years), find a greener pasture for my passion. (or perhaps the green-ness of green is up to me..hmmmpp)
The crossroads were never easy. Doors were open and i liked them all because I see myself and Me before the Lord.
I don't know if my desire is heavier, yet, i am pretty sure that i once wanted to join the academe. The idea is driven by the fact that it is one better venue to inspire minds, while young/younger, for the "betterment of our society" (wahahahaha.. OA kaayo ko.. oppss..comment lang mo if u like..this is my page..weheheheh). Some predecessors told me that i am still young that is why i am socially idealistic. I did entertain their thoughts but i don't know until when will i end this childhood-birthed desire. In fairness to me, i grew up as a leader and i know i had so much flaws. I once settled to my flaws that was why for quite longer I evaded from responsibilities. However, I cannot deny that within me is a struggle to stand and make a difference, to keep inspiring, to keep encouraging, to keep hoping for a brighter system. It may not be me up their, but, at least I am a part of a better change. The academe is one great venue. I admit that i dreamt of becoming a teacher (see our high school souvenir: Roxanne Jul C. Lumactud - to be a teacher.. wahahaha). This desire sprouted from my desire to inspire and help others (most helpful mn diay ko..hahahaha) just as i did since then.
I am just writing spontaneously now, wishing that along my way of expressing these voices within, I could gauge my thoughts, which may help me better in decision-making. for one, i realized that my drive of going back to MSU is not just a mere feeling of missing the school, but of a noble desire to inspire others for better.
Everything I desire is a "means" to a desired end. My ultimate end is to magnify my God and give Him all the glory. I want to magnify Him through the thoughts and wisdom i may pass. And, I want to glorify Him through the accomplishments I may get.

Veritas Liberabit Vos


I wish I had not ticked at something although I think I did one good thing.

I could no longer recall the episodes I had been to confronting truths and realities. All I can remember is the motto of the university I once attended “veritas liberabit vos.” This line stayed behind my memory for so long. It was just a must that I did remember it and then it was extended by ads, billboards, and published articles. So, the statement seemed to land at my yawning dimension as prefaces, events, and cycles of existence satiated around some spaces.

Now, it seems like its beckoning me that I had already passed the overtures of it and that it’s now blocking a cavernous space in my head. In a sense, I have to welcome an unsought something that is known to have existed. In a sense, the truth was here; And, in a sense, the truth upsetted me. However, “veritas liberabit vos.”

I am challenged by the thought that I once was intensively educated about cogent reasoning. It was easy then for I was pretty afar from the world of forms. Today is different. I am to live a cogent, yet, passioned reason in order to keep the state of being prompted by the laws of energy in an optimistic pace. I must accept the truth (veritas) and that even if it hurts; I need to know how to profit from it, to develop a logic that will help me stand still. It will set me free (liberabit vos)! In a sense, it freed me. It freed me from the many wanders this thought had gone. It did answer interrogatives this thought had entertained.

And now, I have to replenish the loses my body incur out of this inner flounder.

Talk 2 kokijar


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