is this just a mere desire?

I miss my life in MSU. It was where i finally decided to change ways and accept that I am a lady, that I am a woman, and that I will always be a female even if i would insist my musculinity. It was where I have accepted my weaknesses and limitations as a person. And, I have learned to profit from it to move forward.
Even then, I am still undecided whether to go back or not. by going back, i mean, staying their for quite longer, i mean, teaching. Although I have not applied yet and i am not so sure of being hired, the idea of being seriously considered by the department brought me to the idea of pushing my brain's perpetual decision-making cells to decide fast and to do some action.
So much needs to be considered. So much needs to be prayed. Calm down koko.
A calling is a calling. If I am really called to work for something and i know that i am called for it and I do it, then the work becomes a ministry. Opportunities must not move me fast to act directly on it but must drive me fast down to my knees. I don't like job hopping and I thank God that i never did. One truth about me is that, i easily get bored, that is why I need to deliberately consider things or simply ask myself, "will i get bored in the academe?"
after acting upon my idealism through the Institute of Environmental Science for Social Change (ESSC), i was discouraged by the mindsets of todays' prime movers. I thought I could somehow inspire (i dont wanna use "influence" because it's too attached to "power") them through the many trainings and planning i handled. I thought I could help deconstruct their old paradigms. HHmmm.. a little bit, I did, but they're sap already in the system. Of course, I dont want to give up and i dont want to give in to their system, so I thought of leaving ESSC (after 3 years), find a greener pasture for my passion. (or perhaps the green-ness of green is up to me..hmmmpp)
The crossroads were never easy. Doors were open and i liked them all because I see myself and Me before the Lord.
I don't know if my desire is heavier, yet, i am pretty sure that i once wanted to join the academe. The idea is driven by the fact that it is one better venue to inspire minds, while young/younger, for the "betterment of our society" (wahahahaha.. OA kaayo ko.. oppss..comment lang mo if u like..this is my page..weheheheh). Some predecessors told me that i am still young that is why i am socially idealistic. I did entertain their thoughts but i don't know until when will i end this childhood-birthed desire. In fairness to me, i grew up as a leader and i know i had so much flaws. I once settled to my flaws that was why for quite longer I evaded from responsibilities. However, I cannot deny that within me is a struggle to stand and make a difference, to keep inspiring, to keep encouraging, to keep hoping for a brighter system. It may not be me up their, but, at least I am a part of a better change. The academe is one great venue. I admit that i dreamt of becoming a teacher (see our high school souvenir: Roxanne Jul C. Lumactud - to be a teacher.. wahahaha). This desire sprouted from my desire to inspire and help others (most helpful mn diay ko..hahahaha) just as i did since then.
I am just writing spontaneously now, wishing that along my way of expressing these voices within, I could gauge my thoughts, which may help me better in decision-making. for one, i realized that my drive of going back to MSU is not just a mere feeling of missing the school, but of a noble desire to inspire others for better.
Everything I desire is a "means" to a desired end. My ultimate end is to magnify my God and give Him all the glory. I want to magnify Him through the thoughts and wisdom i may pass. And, I want to glorify Him through the accomplishments I may get.

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